Ana, Mia and me – I am concerned

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18 October 2014

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The handed week and a little bit has been beautiful onerous and alot has took place. Do not even recognize the place to start in reality.

I wasn’t going to weblog anymore. It did not really feel just like the secure location it as soon as was once for my ideas and emotions after realizing any person had been studying it… I discovered this out closing week and used to be confronted as such…. I felt indignant and betrayed and self aware, responsible and moderately ashamed. I write my deepest darkest thoughts at my deepest and darkest moments, I write my crazy ED thoughts, behaviours, lists, plans and about my weightloss ideas etc when I am caught up in my ED mind…. But still, it’s only half my story and although at times I get caught up, obsessed, depressed, self harming and self hating, hurt, feeling powerless and even when the ED is making me feel powerful and purposeful… I still do feel happy sometimes, hopeful even…

Anyways, so much has happened that I just simply needed to talk about it. The person who read my blog ensures me they won’t read it anymore, but honestly. If they do, they do. Although I have this blog on a public forum. You wouldn’t be here and cannot read it unless your a member and someone struggling with similar issues. It’s not open to the entire world. Just a select few who understand.

Anyway. A lot of family stuff went on. In the end it was sorted and everyone had their say. A sort of family intervention was held which was really awkward and hard. I think my sister in law has a better understanding of things… I still worry things aren’t completely ok but I guess things just need time.

Last week I started outpatient. I was terrified. It ended up not being too bad. I found everyone really nice and understanding. The therapist who takes the group is lovely. Afterwards I saw Brit and we chatted about all the family drama.

During the week I surprisingly found eating a little easier. Especially around family. I guess having the confrontation made me feel less anxious and having to appear a certain way to feeling a lot more ‘free’ around them. I wasn’t as pre occupied or stressed about what everyone was thinking and feeling about me and how much I was eating, what I was eating, when I ate. What I said, how I said it, was what I said stupid… I just felt more at ease than what I have in a very very long time.

I got really sick and had very limited exercise this week. I found eating hard once I was unable to exercise…. I didn’t lose much this week which I was really upset and disappointed about …. Blamed myself for being too weak and not just doing it any way regardless of being sick and annoyed at myself for all the things I ate and when… I really beat myself up this week about that.

Friday at outpatient we focused on family dynamics and how out families react and support or sometimes don’t support us and how we feel. Everyone almost in group is having family issues if some description. We talked about the guilt and shame and powerlessness that comes along with all this. Another lady touched on how she feels like she isn’t a good mother because her illness doesn’t allow her to be the best mother she can be. While she was talking . What she said resonated so deeply with me, I started to cry and when the therapist turned and said I probably could relate, there u was already a silent bawling mess. Couldn’t really speak and had to excuse myself to just have a good cry. My worst fear and one I feel is very real is that I’m a terrible mother and I do my children more harm than good and that no matter how much I love them it’s never going to be enough to fix the hurt that they’ll one day feel for me not being the mother that they deserve . For leaving them I’m terrified I’m a horrible mother and honestly feel like most of the time I am a terrible mother and my boys deserve so much more than me.

After outpatient I had my appt with my psychiatrist. She as per usual was amazing. I was really teary at talking about how I felt I was failing as a mother. There was more I had to talk about but didn’t get around to it, as she said she had to tell me something. She has to close her private practise and so she couldn’t be my doctor anymore but she would be referring me on another lovely doctor who she thought would be good for me, specialises in EDs – at this news I kinda just went “oh” and my mind raced. There was a pause: I wanted to ask why. Then realised that’s none of my business and she doesn’t owe me an explanation and not did she volunteer one…. She proceeded to talk about the new doctor and and that she needed my permission to give get sensitive information but it would be easier if I have her permission so I wouldn’t have to go through telling someone else all about my trauma history again and she could talk to her about it at length. I was resistant. I don’t want anyone knowing about it. I was crushed also. My psychiatrist was the first person I ever told. I spent the rest of the session trying to disguise how upset as was at this news. I didn’t want her to feel bad and also didn’t want to be pathetic….

I have such an amazing relationship with her, I can literally talk about anything and everything and in as much detail without fear or reservation. Really truly intimate and personal things. She’s been there with me from the beginning. She quite literally saved my life when she placed me in hospital. I went through almost 10 weeks of intense inpatient therapy seeing her everyday. Trusting her completely. She’s cheeky and funny and loud and swears like a sailor and is just real. There’s no bullshit she tells me straight up how things are, she’s also kind and caring and has this motherly type quality to her aswell. She is just uniquely her and I’m going to miss her. I could never thank her enough for her help. Goodbye is going to be so hard. I just hope things are okay for her. Whatever her reason is for having to shut down her practise. I hope everything’s okay.

So feeling a bit lost and anxious and sad. Also feeling a bit pathetic that I’m so sad about my psychiatrist leaving. Lol. But the reason she was such an amazing help I guess is because we had a great relationship. Hopefully I can trust the other doctor as much one day and she helps as much. So that’s a transition that is going to be in reality tough…

Been binging when you consider that. made me really feel actually emotional and fucked up…. Placed on 1/2 a kg feeling actually shithouse and emotional and I simply do not need to be emotional or unhappy or pathetic or any of that. So my minds beginning to swap off and robotic modes coming. I will really feel the necessity the need to be ‘empty’ changing into enhanced. The concept if meals changing into tougher, scarier, incorrect. Considering of burning, train. Serving to, giving me center of attention and motivation. I will my planning, lists and organise this and that temper approaching. The week in advance goes to be onerous……

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