Today went well. I had a lot of compliments on how I looked at school, and that gave me a nice boost. Also made a new friend in one of my classes. Just overall a nice time at school.
Right now I’m having a lot of anxiety though. About school, about calories, everything. I feel like I’m loosing my concentration. I can’t focus.
And I’m getting worse. I want to eat. I want to force myself to eat so much it hurts. So much I feel like crying. But when I think about it, my chest starts constricting, I panic. I’ve had 104 calories today. I was supposed to eat 500. I fucking can’t do it. I can’t.
I feel huge right now. Huge. Disgusting. Fat. I’m finally underweight. Finally. And I feel like a fucking whale. I need to eat but just can’t bring myself to do it.
I can’t gain. I can’t be bloated. I must be thin. At all costs.
My mind is such a mess right now, I can’t think straight. I need a smoke. I need coffee. I need calm. Or something.
Today I’ve had:
2 squares of oatmeal bars I made three cup Almond Milk I’ve leftovers within the fridge I must devour. However I will’t. I do not need to. I do not need to. I fucking cannot. My thoughts is spinning presently. I am freezing.
God.
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