Smart Health Shop Forum Blog: My darker ideas

Monday, September 15, 2014

My darker ideas

My darker ideas

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(If this appears lengthy, go down about 4 paragraphs to get to the gist of it.) Let me begin by using pronouncing that my father was once an exquisite and good man, a super supplier, husband, and mother or father, at all times giving and doing for everybody. He took excellent care of himself and lived a more than happy, wholesome, and productive eighty five years earlier than I first noticed the indicators of dementia, proper after mother handed away.

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Additional, I’ve most often had it reasonably easy with his care, having the resources to move him to an assisted living location when he couldn’t live on his own, eventually to a locked facility, and I’ve hired private caregivers when necessary for his health and safety. I feel embarrassed to be posting here among most of the rest of you, as I have it much easier.

However, he has fallen numerous times, broken his hip, cut open his face, and fractured his pelvis. He has made it past two bouts of pneumonia. He has had six trips to the ER in the past six months, and two long side trips to Skilled Nursing and Rehab facilities. His mental abilities have gone downhill so quickly, I have nothing to say to him. I try to find areas of interest but he seems to have none. He knows me, but I don’t know that he recognizes anyone else who may visit (mostly because no one else has visited him with any regularity). I am 100% responsible for making decisions about his care, have power of attorney and health care directive about end of life care.

I haven’t read everything that has been written here, but I don’t remember seeing anyone else express this, at least not so clearly. With dad’s most recent pneumonia scare a few weeks ago, he was almost totally unresponsive, his blood pressure extremely low, his temperature going up, when I left the hospital that night, as the doctor seemed confident about his recovery.

When I arrived the next morning, he was sitting up, much more conscious, happily eating. I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT HE WASN’T DYING. It’s morbidly ironic that I have heard of people angry at their loved ones for dying on them. I am that dark thinking person who is upset that dad isn’t dying. His living the way he is living hurts me too much. So I just wish he would die already. Get it out of my system. Give me my life back. It is like I have this disease or chronic malady, and the malady is my dad and I’ll be better when the malady is gone. It’s just taking so long. Yes, there are more frequent acute episodes and he may well pass in the near future. But, I’m just so ready for it now.

I’m so happy that I can voice these thoughts so clearly here. It sounds just so selfish. But I wonder aloud, not sure if I can do it, legally, or even if I can let myself do it. But, if he gets pneumonias, or some other infection next month, may I if truth be told say, don’t provide him the rest?

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Am I on my own in these ideas? Somebody?&#thirteen;

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